Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The Uniform of Creepers at the Bar

I can hear you now. “Erin, creepers at the bar don’t have a uniform. What a generalizing statement!” “Erin, don’t judge a book by its cover.” “Erin, how dare you make such a sweeping generalization!”

First of all, I’m surprised that I’ve raised such vitriol in my readers when for all intents and purposes this is actually my first post. Also, you absolutely can judge a book by its cover… its creepy, creepy try-hard cover. And also by its actions that accompany said cover. So, I’m just going to say… you can look beyond the uniform I am going to detail below. Go right ahead. But don’t be surprised when you end up getting followed all over the bar all night by the Creeper at the Bar.

The creeper at the bar will be wearing: a ball cap (always facing forward), a short sleeved button down (usually plaid, very occasionally striped) and Timberlakes (or possibly a Timberlake knock-off). He will be wearing all three of these pieces. If only one piece is missing, he is probably not a creeper… just someone with unfortunate fashion sense. Or someone whose friends dragged him out to the bar on laundry day. However, for that caveat to work, the missing piece should probably be the Timberlakes. Because no one should ever wear workboots out to the bar and I’m really not sure how to justify that piece away… every guy I know who has to wear workboots to work (and I work for a railway and go out into the field so “every guy” is a lot of guys!) changes into his boots when he gets there. There is no “straight from work” excuse, friends!

And why is this the uniform of the socially awkward creeper? Because it is so so close to what the normal, hot non-socially awkward guys (NHGs) who they see getting all the girls wear to the club. Except that the NHGs generally keep their hair safe for human viewing and do not need a baseball cap so if they choose to wear one it is for a purpose. (Creepers may also have hair safe for human viewing but do not realize that there is purpose behind wearing a hat and they are not for all times!) NHGs will also wear a lot of plaid, because it is insane trendy and sexy, but generally they just roll up the sleeves of a standard plaid shirt. (The proportions of the creeper plaid will also always be a little bit off, usually too big, so they look like they came from Underground.) And I’ve always addressed the workboot thing but… seriously! NGHs just wear nice casual shoes! I know, dress codes for bars are scary things but Sketchers makes a ton of nice non-“runner” casual shoes. There continues to never be an excuse for workboots.

Recognize the creeper. Be aware he will dance near you as if you are friends. Do not accept his offer of free drinks unless you see something beneath the creepiness that you want to pursue. And, seriously, take a look around the next time you are out for some drinks with some friends. It’s a uniform.

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